And just the other day I came across a web post that caused me to muse on my underwear preferences over the years. Dangerous Minds claim that wolf pattern print boxer shorts for men are trending. The New York Daily Times describes Dangerous Minds as a site that delivers a daily gift bag of hidden brilliance and absurdity from the worlds of music, literature, advertising, leftist politics and hipster culture.
I don’t remember my first or second pair of underwear; but I do remember my Chesty Bonds. As young boys we all wanted to wear Chesty Bonds. Chesty Bond was a cartoon caricature used as a trademark for the Australian clothing company Bonds. Chesty had a powerful jutting jaw and a stunning physique; and he became a superhero when he pulled on his trusty athletic singlet. Over the last eighty years Chesty has become an Australian icon: A symbol of our masculinity. Whenever we pulled on our Chesty Bond boxer shorts or singlet we became the ultimate Australian superhero. The boxers weren’t the loose fitting elastic shorts that you would wear into a boxing ring. And they weren’t the boxers assumed in the question asked of President Clinton in 1994: the world’s dying to know: Is it boxers or briefs. The boxers were snug fitting Y fronts. Today the Bonds company is known mainly for singlets.
Throughout my early teenage years I didn’t think a lot about my underwear; I don’t remember when I stopped wearing the Y fronts. During my last year at Williamstown Tech a group of us would gather on the beach after school in our budgie smuggling speedo’s; and there was no mistaking the speedo’s for Chesty Bonds. We cavorted proudly on the beach in our speedo’s, overflowing with teenage importance. Everyone always changed back into their Y fronts to leave the beach. Back then we knew our Chesty’s more by the term undies or underdacks. Reg Grundy was yet to become the pioneer of Australian television and a household name; he created many Australian television shows as well as Wheel of Fortune and other game shows. Our undies became know as Reg Grundies which was sometimes just shortened to grundies.
I must have worn the Y’s through out my days at Footscray Tech and must have packed them in the back pack when I went searching for inspiration and idealism in the early seventies. I don’t remember how many undies I squashed into the back pack and I don’t remember ever washing any undies during the seven weeks we we aboard the Galileo Galilei. I don’t remember washing any undies during all the time we lived in London. I must have washed my undies when I worked as a lifeguard at the outdoor swimming pool in Hearne Hill that is now known as the Brockwell Lido. Our lifeguard costume was a pair of white shorts and a white Tee shirt. We usually didn’t bother wearing the shirt so it didn’t need washing that often. Every couple of weeks a few of us would boil our soiled shorts in a huge pot of water on the stove in our break room. I think we sometimes threw our undies in with the shorts; my undies got a great maranation, simmering in the pot with irish and cockney undies. I don’t think that I treated my undies with disdain or disrespect; I just ignored them.
I think you can tell a person by the underwear they wear. I think one of the main reasons people choose to wear underwear is to help them feel comfortable and confident; briefs, boxers, boxer briefs, thong, jockstrap, or bikini, and if the colors are bright, the elastic taut, and the fabric feels fresh and soft it says something about you. I don’t understand why the underwear bomber hid plastic explosives in his underwear. He must have had a deep seated contempt for his undies; they would be shredded if he had managed to detonate the hidden package. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab confessed to wearing the explosive underwear for three weeks, only taking it off when he showered, so he could get used to it and to make sure he could get it through security. I don’t know how you could wear the same underwear for three weeks; that’s a lot of skid marks.
And that is no love, or respect, for your underwear. We need to respect our undies; maybe air dry them instead of just throwing them into the dryer so you don’t destroy their shape and elasticity, always trim loose threads, only wash them on the delicate cycle, turn them inside out when washing them, use a fabric shaver to remove all the fuzz balls, and don’t hide bombs in them.
It doesn’t make sense to me why blokes want to shove things down their undies. In August 2014 a Canadian college student was stopped and searched at the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel border checkpoint; they found and seized 41 live turtles taped to his legs and ten strapped to his groin. 51 live turtles in his pants; a collection of eastern box turtles, diamondback terrapins, endangered spotted turtles and red-eared sliders. The young red-eared slider is a meat eater; they become omnivorous as they mature. It is recommended that the red-eared slider eat a balance of various meat based protein sources and fresh plants. The young turtles should be fed daily. Meat based protein sources include; earthworms, finely chopped raw lean beef, cooked chicken, snails, mealworms, pinkie mice, crickets, and bloodworms. They seem to be fond of worms. I don’t know if Kai Xu fed any of the ten turtles he had strapped to his groin; turtles can be messy eaters. And then there is the problem of turtle excretion; that is no love or respect for your underwear.
Nadkins were launched in January 2016. Nadkins are moist cleansing wipes for the male region that will gently cleanse and leave a refreshing tingly feeling. So now I’m wondering when you would use Nadkins.; wouldn’t a shower take care of the problem. And besides you wouldn’t be clogging up the dunny pipes with moist man napkins. I think the underwear bomber and Kai Xu would have been a ready market for Nadkins. And the sturdy and generous sized cloth would have ensured that I was at my comfortable best during the days I spent in New Delhi, huddled in the corner of a dark dank room, with stomach pain, nausea, extreme watery diarrhea, and fatigue; the symptoms of the dysentery obtained from a road side vendor in Kabul.
I think I drifted away from the Y fronts after returning to Australia from my first voyage of searching for inspiration, and idealism. Back then Australia wasn’t known for creative innovative underwear designs and the choices to replace the Y’s were meager; I started to wear Bond’s low rise sport briefs. A few years later I left for a second voyage to search for inspiration, and idealism, in the ordinary. Instead of a slow boat to Europe and England, a fast plane carried us to South East Asia. I don’t remember how may low rise sport briefs I stuffed into the seasoned two tone, external metal frame, back pack; probably about five. For several months my low rises were always wettish; the dense, moist, Thai, Malaysian, Burma and Indian humidity caused me to wash the briefs daily in ocean water, sinks, and showers stalls. There was always a damp low rise resting on the end of a bed or window sill. In Calcutta the washing man washed my clothes and undies. The washing man trolled the hallways of the cheap and cheerful backpacker hotels; dhobi’s also went door to door collecting dirty linen and clothes from households. The dhobi caste’s traditional occupation was washing clothes. Imagine being born so you can just wash clothes for the rest your lifetime.
A few years ago I moved out of low rise sports briefs and into coloured mid rise fashion briefs with a contrasting complimentary coloured elastic waist band. I hesitated when I chose the mid rise as my new style of undies. AussieBum, an Australian trend setting leader in innovative men’s underwear and swimwear options and design have become world famous because of their WonderJocks underwear. aussieBum adapted the female push up bra theory into a male underwear concept; the WonderJocks lift and enhance. And to quote from the aussieBum website: Upgrade to the new WJ PRO with 4D Grid Framing Technology; we guarantee greater lift enhancement with patented Pouch Enhancing Technology & Free Swing Boost support. And it seems that Mengerie, lingerie for men, is becoming, without a doubt, extremely popular. Homme Mystere, an Australian lingerie company just for men, sell garter belts, stockings, lace-trimmed boxer briefs, C-strings, camisoles, and bras.
I settled on wearing mid rise briefs even though they clamp your testes close to the body. And I always wonder if I made the right choice. It is claimed that firmly packaging the testes is not an ideal scenario for sperm production; heat wreaks havoc on sperm. Maybe I need to consider wearing loose boxer shorts. But I don’t think I would feel comfortable with their tendency to bunch up under your clothing. Because I sleep naked, and with showering and early morning lounging in a dressing gown, I spend half the day with out undies; so wearing no undies wouldn’t be a problem. But I have a fear of hard, fast travelling, round objects whacking me in the groin; it came about when all of Australia was glued to the television watching the daunting pace attack that Australian fast bowlers Lillee and Thomson unleashed on the English during the 1974-75 test cricket series. Maybe I should start wearing a cricket box; a padded protector shaped like a hollow half pear made from high density moulded plastic.